Toxic Relationship Checklist
Toxic Relationship Checklist
Identifying a Toxic Family
What is a toxic family? A toxic family is a dysfunctional family who does not respect the uniqueness of each family member, as evidenced by a lack of respect for personal boundaries. They blame, control, criticize, dismiss, punish, and threaten the people they are supposed to love. Their disrespect often escalates to abuse and domestic violence. Toxic family members enforce harmful rules and force family members to lie, keep secrets, and wear false masks instead of expressing their authentic selves. They judge your thoughts, deny your feelings, and destroy your dreams of a happy life. Substance abuse is also a common problem in toxic families, often manifested in excessive drinking and overeating.
Characteristics of an Unhealthy Family
The following are typical characteristics of unhealthy families:
There is abuse and domestic violence (emotional, financial, physical, psychological, sexual, spiritual, verbal).
There is alcoholism or drug addiction.
Authentic self-expression is judged, viewed negatively, and discouraged (“What’s wrong with you?”).
Communication is unclear, one way, and closed (top-down communication, parent gives orders, lack of dialogue).
Emotional expression is not valued and encouraged; primary emotions are sad, happy, afraid, and angry.
Emotional intelligence is not encouraged.
Food is used as a drug or coping mechanism.
Honesty, trust, and mutual respect are not modeled, taught, and valued.
Inconsistent rules and rule enforcement.
Love is conditional.
Mistakes are not forgiven, and perfection is expected and required.
Outside relationships are discouraged.
Parents do not lead by example.
Problem-solving or problem-resolution skills are lacking.
The physical, emotional, and spiritual health of each family member are not nurtured.
Physical punishment is abusive and violent.
Respect for privacy and personal space is lacking.
Sexual orientation or gender identity must be heterosexual and gender normative (homophobia, transphobia, heterosexism).
Survival skills to live a healthy life are not modeled or taught.
Teaching and training do not take place. (Parent assumes child already knows how to do everything.)
There are unhealthy boundaries.
There is unhealthy conflict management and resolution.
Having an unhealthy family discourages the development of who you are, forcing you to guard your heart, question your intuition, and abandon your dreams. Essentially, they ask you to betray and abandon your true self. Conditional love, nonacceptance, and unhealthy boundaries characterize relationships in toxic families.
Toxic families fail to teach you that you are perfectly OK just as you are, negatively affecting your identity, self-esteem, and self-worth. Toxic families punish you for making mistakes and discourage you from expressing your true nature. To survive, you must lie about yourself and others, follow their rules, and suppress your intellectual, emotional, and self-expression.
Even if your family told you they loved you a thousand times and you can remember loving moments you shared with your toxic family, the number of times they hurt you tells the whole story. Displays of love and affection combined with mistreatment and abuse are damaging, confusing, and crazy making. Despite the sincerity of their love, their good intentions do not justify the harm they caused you. Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” The first time your toxic family harmed you, they showed you who they were. Believe them!
—Excerpt from: The Toxic Family Solution, Steven Todd Bryant, Footlight Press Books, 2023